Log in

I just want to give up

But I just can't. Davey broke up with me. Now all I want to do is die or crawl in a hole or something. I hate that I still feel optimism but I know that nothing will change. I can't ever have what I want. Or rather I can have it, but only for a short while, and I'm getting to the point where I wonder if the heartbreaks I keep suffering are worth it. I saw the future I'd dreamed about since I was a little girl, but now its disappeared. And all I can do is pray that Davey does still love me and care about me enough to want to give it a second chance, but I know he doesn't. It always ends up this way. There's always someone or something more important than me and so I'm just not going to be able to keep what I love.
All I want to do even now is wrap my arms around him. My family has given me hugs, but no matter who it is, if it's not him it feels so terribly wrong. And I'm so tired of staying in limbo. I want to be with him, and he refused to completely reject me and so I can't just move on. It feels like we're just fighting and we can get through this. And I KNOW that it could be that, we could get through it, but only if he wasn't lying when he said he cares about me, wants to love me and have me in his life. I just don't understand how you can go from loving someone so much and telling them that you won't leave them to just giving up and walking away.

And so it begins...

The time of year where all I want to do is kill myself.

Christmas mostly was just terrible. The 23rd, Davey and I got into a HUGE argument that's been building up for some time, and since we've tried to talk about it, but every time we think we've resolved it we start to bicker badly again. Then Christmas eve was looking up, I went to my family's Christmas party but my dad got completely hammered and cussed me out that night. Luckily Davey was also in town and came and got me. I thought things were looking up Christmas morning: Davey and I had talked and I thought everything was settled. But then one of his family members pissed him off and he flipped out. And now it's the day after Christmas and all I want to do is die. But I know I won't and I can't find any release. All of my friends are gone, and Davey thinks we need to spend more time apart but I'm afraid that everything that's going on plus that might lead to a break up, and no matter how frustrated and mad I get at him I still don't want that. He's the one I want with me now matter what, and up until now it's been fine and he's always managed to pull me out of my depression. But not this time.

And I know it's only going to get worse. I normally get extremely depressed in this second half of winter after the holidays and in the spring. This year though I have the shit holidays working against me as well as fighting with the person I care about the most, AND my fucking period's coming. Guess it's a good thing I don't own any guns huh?
I guess all I can do is keep praying that it will turn out okay. Not even the saying on my arm helps, I'm so tired of waiting for the end when everything will be okay, I just want it to end period.

I think things are looking up

Well, I think in the last few weeks that things have been really looking up for me. Davey's finally moving here (he's been staying with me for the last two weeks while he gets his own apartment in order), I think I know what I want to do with my life (teach elementary school, I love kids and I think I'd be able to relate to them better than surly teenagers) and I managed to get a second job. :)
This is why I know no matter what anyone else says that God's there for me, I pray and he answers. Maybe not right away, or in the manner that you thought he was going to, but he does. Not everything is perfect though, I still argue with Davey (more than usual, but we've been actually living together now) and I'm still broke. But things are going to get better I know it and I'm just glad I hung on and didn't give up.


One of my biggest pet peeves is personal hygiene. So why is it that Davey has to be so unconcerned with it? It makes me so mad. I'll leave him alone about his "no-shave November" business, I've left his hair state alone (he only washes it once a week) but I refuse to let the fact that he tends to go days without showering go. I FUCKING HATE THAT HE DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE THAT I CARE!!!!! It's extremely important to me and he doesn't make any effort to change it. Like tonight. He TOLD me that YES he would take one before bed tonight, but yet as my roommate and our friends are hanging out he 1) Decides he doesn't want to join us (which bothers me, but fine, I'll leave him alone) but then 2) When I go in to get him to take a shower since I know he has to go to bed soon he's on the brink of fucking sleep and refuses to shower. 
Then he's like "I'll just sleep on the floor." NO, fuck that. He can have the bed, I'm just going to sleep in the living room tonight. It's going to suck since people are still singing but whatever. I'm not going near him, he really pissed me off and he needs to realize that this is something I'm very serious about.

I only need a few more hours at a job!

And then I'll be okay. Actually, I'd be doing better than okay. I'd actually be saving money! And that would be fantastic.
I've come to the conclusion that I need to get a loan for $3000 so that I can acquire a car and have a bit of money to pay a few months rent/insurance/bills/gas and find a job with just 12 more hours. :) I really think I can do this, I'm praying I can do this, and if anyone actually reads this I if you'd pray for me too I bet it would help.

Please please please God, help me achieve my goals. This might be the way I can get successfully through the rest of college.

Guess it's back to the depressing me

I get so tired of being depressed. The logical solution to that would be to just not be depressed right? Well maybe it is right, but it doesn't work very well.
Lately I've started worrying about finding another job. I just feel like there's a huge mountain of debt coming my way and I have no means to do anything about it right now. I'm to the point where I don't know where my next meal will come from. I'm running out of food and I don't have the money to get some, plus I now have a $550 on my credit card (worst idea I ever had I'm sure) that needs to begin to be chipped away at. I just want to beat my head against a wall until I'm senseless and not ever regain my senses. I kind of hate my life right now and want it to just stop.
The only thing that really keeps me on the right end of the cliff I'm standing at is Davey. I get annoyed with him often, but nothing that really sticks around once I get to see him. Right now he's working on finding a job in IC and an apartment of his own so that he can move here. He really wants to not be in Dubuque anymore, and I guess IC seemed like a good place to go since that's where I'm at. 
I know that even if he's here it's not going to make all of my problems go away, but I feel like I'll be just a bit less unhappy. I'll finally be able to see him pretty much whenever I wanted, and I would probably rarely be alone with my thoughts like I am so often now.
Really all I can do right now is pray. I just need to put everything in God's hands and know that he'll take care of me. But it's so hard to do, I know. I'm going to try though, because I know that's the best thing for me to do.
Well, goodnight then all. (All 0 of you reading this. Ha) Hopefully when I wake up tomorrow it'll be a bright day and the beginning of a great week.

Well, I guess this is it.

Last weekend my parents (read: my dad) decided that I am no longer a welcome member of my family. That's right, they decided to, in effect, excommunicate me. They don't like the way I'm living my life, meaning my getting tattoos and the fact that I'm sleeping with Davey.
I understand their reasoning, so I try not to get mad at them for it, but it's really hard not to get down. Dad made it clear that by not stopping what I'm doing I'm choosing those things over the family, but I'm really not. I just can't do things anymore just because HE thinks they're right or wrong, I have to be the one that does what I think is right or wrong, otherwise I'll just end up completely hating him.
I'm just really glad that I have Davey throughout this, without him being there for me this last weekend would have completely destroyed me.
I had gone home because it was my brother's 18th that Sunday. Friday my dad pretty much ignored me and Saturday dad sat me down (figuratively) and told me why I'm a terrible person. He even went so far as to tell me that he wishes he didn't have an older daughter and that my sister Calcie was the only daughter he had. Then he went to work and then asked me to leave the house and never come back.
So I went to Davey's and he just held me and let me cry. I love him so much, he is the one person I know I can always depend upon. Even when I'm mad at him and we argue/fight I still know that when we finally make-up we're that much closer.
So even though I'm sure you'll never read this Davey, thank you. I know you always tell me that I don't need to thank you because you do it because you love me, but I want you to know that you are the most important person to me and that I love you very very much and that I'll always be there for you when you need me.


If you truly believe something doesn't exist, why do you feel the need to prove that fact? Why does it matter ?
I hate the fact that so many of my friends are atheist. Especially when the start bashing God and trying to convince me that he doesn't exist. I mean really, why can't I believe in my God? There's really no downside. I don't go around trying to convince them that God does exist, even though that's part of my religion, or bashing their beliefs, so I feel like they should have the same respect towards me. Or another thing that really pisses me off is when people write me off as stupid or an idiot just because I am a republican or because I believe in God. Yes, there are some really stupid people out there with the same basic beliefs as me, but just because our beliefs are similar doesn't mean I'm like them.
I get so sick and tired of being written off, no matter what I do I can never seem to be taken seriously. Even when I am right everyone just chalks it up to stupid dumb luck and I'm tired of it.

The joys of being a woman

Aren't really joys at this point in my life. I mean c'mon, I have to deal with my period and I can't have kids for at least another five years so what's the point? I think that periods should only be around when you are consciously trying to have a kid and that's it.
Though the fact that I got it (as terrifying as it is this month) means I can tell my mom to stop worrying without having to take a pregnancy test. Ha. And everyone that's worried about it (especially those that really should have no opinion on the matter) can butt out because I finally have my insurance stuff figured out and I have an appointment to go see the doctor Wednesday so I can finally get all of my issues taken care of. :)
This last weekend wasn't the most fun ever (I did get my new tattoo "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay it's not the end. And then was mercilessly teased about the face cream incident by everyone at the shop), but it helped me to unwind a little. I can breath, literally, again and my chest has stopped hurting for the most part. I'm still having weird dreams, but they're not sending me into fits of depression anymore, and I get to go to the Owl City concert in Des Moines on Thursday. :D
The only real downside I can see coming up is having to go home this upcoming weekend. Don't know if my parents will want to have Davey around and so I might not get to see him until next weekend. :( But hopefully he can get that weekend off and so we'd get to spend the whole weekend together. It would be amazing if Ian were still around that weekend and maybe Lindsey could go see him and then Davey and I could have the apartment to ourselves! XD
Then today I found out that apparently Josh has unfriended me on facebook and I'm wondering when that happened. It sincerely doesn't bother me, except for the fact that it's very sneaky, not telling me strait up that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. It is what it is though I guess. It also makes me feel bad that I'm so completly unobservant that it took me so long to figure out that he wasn't showing up in my feed because of that. 
But hopefully this entry is a lot more upbeat than my last couple. I'm hoping I've broken my bad mood for a while at least.

In the moments before time starts moving backward
I will feel her hand in the palm of mine
And the cities will return to the field of flowers
And every step we took takes me back in line
And in disarray, you just want to live one more day
Cause you just want To Be Happy Now
To be happy now
To be happy now
-To Be Happy Now by Copeland


I just can't shake this mood! I'm starting to get to a point where I feel devoid of all emotions period. It's getting so bad that it's causing me to get into pointless debates with Davey when he's actually probably right.
And then on the other hand it causes me to need him so much it's ridiculous but he's not there. He's so oblivious that he just doesn't get how much I need him to just ask what's wrong and tell me it's okay. Sometimes that's all it takes to heal a wound and he doesn't seem to be able to posses that ability. And I don't want to just come right out and say "Hey, Davey, I need you to be this right now." It's just something that I need him to figure out. I really need him and he just can't be there for me.

She's a liar
It comes to this
All we had 'til now is gone
And I'm the other
Piece to this
Every time I feel this inside
I don't wanna be the one who...
Caught you
So take cover
Never saw it comin' so you put me on again
Had you and no other
The game, the lie is getting old
-Take Cover by Acceptance